she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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