theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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