I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
