i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
