When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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