OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
