...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I AM VODKA MAN
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
third nipple confirmed
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
