Even the bartender felt bad for me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
