Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
