I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
