whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It's like God shit irony all over that family
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
