I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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