Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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