At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
