Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
What drink are we having for lunch?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
