I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
