Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
