Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
