I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
