you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
