i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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