I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
