Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
another moral hangover. fuck.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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