mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
