I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
