On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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