the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
