I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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