i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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