i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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