In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
