if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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