yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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