happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
