I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
