Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
