I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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