You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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