A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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