If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
