im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
