He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
