i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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