there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
