It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
