Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
