i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
