i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
