I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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