Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
