the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
