even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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