if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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