moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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