Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize