that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
