i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
this hospital has no fireball
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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