seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
bring money and cleavage
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
