I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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