It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
