For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
