I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
