Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
