Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Alive.
So much puke
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
