clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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