Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
