I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
