I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
